Always A Party Of One

Usually, these blogs are all about how to promote your business. But these days I don't have the strength or courage to help others. I'm feeling used, washed up, and abandoned. You see, those that I love the most have deserted me. And people that I think have good intentions have exploited me in ways I can't even dream up. I'm all alone and it hurts.

I came along when my parents were older and had practically finished raising their family. My father was often working offshore or out of state, leaving me to fend with a drunken mother who made sure I knew I wasn't wanted. I grew up with no self-confidence and the feeling that I was always in the way. Getting pregnant in high school happened because I wanted to be in the in crowd and everyone was sleeping around. But getting thrown out of my home by said mother just cemented my insecurities. This forced me to put my daughter up for an adoption my sister arranged, not knowing she was actually selling my child. But that is another story.

A series of relationships with men that treated me like dog meat occurred because I had no self-worth. But being thrown out of my home by my partner who I had a child with clarified that no one would ever really love me. I then turned all my focus onto my child, thinking that at least one person in this world would be there. A word of advice. Don't make your child the only thing in life you care about. Because when they grow up, they use this against you. They see nothing wrong with making you the last on their list, especially if they know they are first on yours.

Now here I am, 55 years old with no spouse, no parents or siblings, (all dead), and no children to love and rely on. My first child is still bitter for being put up for adoption and my second knows his treatment of me can be as nasty as he wants to make it. That is, until last year, when I finally put my foot down and said you either show me respect or forget I exist. It was just the move my shrink said I needed to make. But I don't think she predicted the outcome. He has done just fine not remembering me on holidays or birthdays, emergencies or family deaths.

So, this is me. Alone in a world of couples and families. Eating every meal by myself, struggling to survive day by day. Friends can't make you a priority when they have jobs, families and emergencies of their own. Maybe if I had money I would be considered more often, because it's no fun to be friends with someone who is always broke. My days are filled with watching television and playing games on my phone, which only rings with solicitors.

Listen to what I'm saying, this world is not meant for the lonely. And I'm definitely alone.

#alone #thisisme #notwhatIwanted